Not sleeping well and waking up with the most hideous thoughts racing through my mind.
More than ever before I can taste the stagnant water that surrounds me in HMP, I try and stay afloat but I cab barely keep my head above water. I am struggling massively to stay afloat with these dark emotions and thoughts that haunt me both day and night. Reaching out is all I can do as the waves of fear and anticipation crash around me, pushing me down and no one is helping me out of this vast lonely water and all I can do is gasp for air.
More times than often I wonder would it just be easier to just give up and sink down to this bottomless ocean and be done with it all. I’m starting to think I would be doing society a favour if I did so and the little hope I have left of being rescued is quickly disappearing with every wave that smashes me in the face.
I’ve made mistakes and I’ve done things that weigh me down mentally more than the shackles of IPP could ever do. I have repented and I have taken full responsibility for all my actions but yet I must be left to drown in the shark infested waters of HMP misery.
All I ask is when you next pass me, when you next see me, when you next have to make your final decision whichever way it is, don’t leave me to choke on this dirty water, show a little compassion and please hand me a life jacket.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not do it for me if that makes it easier, do it for my partner who has committed no crime but has stood by me throughout all of this.
Do it for my son, so he can finally get the answer to his question “when is Daddy coming home”.
Do It for my baby daughter who will finally be able to put a face to the voice she hears on the phone so often, as I am choking on the sadness I try to hide and hold back so her mum doesn’t start to get emotional too, disguising the true pain and suffering that goes on inside my heart and mind.
Do it so I can contribute to society in a much better and more productive way than I am currently.
Do it because I can be part of the solution and not the problem anymore.
Do it because the incident that got me returned here warranted a 6 week sentence, that is turning into the equivalent of a 4 year sentence at the moment but could be longer,
But most of all do it because it is the right thing to do, as a family member yourself, as a father, a mother, a son or a daughter, do it for that alone, knowing that my family, my loyal, loving, supportive, innocent family need not be punished anymore.
So again I plead that when you see me struggling in the depths of these shark invested waters that you do not push me further under, I can’t take the unknown anymore, they can’t take the unknown any more. Please throw me that lifeline, hand me the life jacket, I know the despair this sentence brings, I know the hopelessness we face, I know the cost on families, help me as I would do the same for you if you faced this. I just want to do the right thing in life, I just want to prove that I can be that person I am capable of being, I just want to help and support my family.
Thank you for reading this, I have no idea who supports me or hears me from here only what Sara tells me. Sara picked the name for this blog, I never really thought much about how the situation came across to her but it is like drowning, I don’t want to drown in this, I don’t want to be stuck here without a life jacket. Jail has been a huge part of my life, I know I have got so many things wrong, I know that I have put myself back here. I want out of this lifestyle, I want to show I can do it. I hope that I can continue to write about this experience from the ‘dry land’ beyond this place, I just need the chance. I’m not the same person, I’m not perfect but I’ve worked so hard to beat this, I need the chance to show it now.