With the days turning into weeks and the weeks turning into months the thought of being released is getting even closer and the stress is rising.
The odds of being released on a paper hearing are very slim to nonexistent. But always trying to think on a positive side, that there is still that slight chance, even if it is less than winning the lottery, I’m still in it, so I can still win my freedom, boards are all about winning and losing.
Literally all I can think about is being released or not yet again, the unknown element of it all, the if’s, buts and maybes of what’s coming.What happens if I am released, can I remain out and not get recalled for a 5th time?
And if I am released can I do myself and my family proud?
If I am released, what new pressures will that bring?
When will I actually get home?
What will happen if it’s lockdown?
Have I do enough inside for the parole board to realise that I’m not a bad man?
I just made the most absolutely stupid decision that night and I was wrong but nearly 2 years inside is enough punishment, I’m sorry.
Will the parole board understand the immense pressure that this recall is having on my family?
Let’s just forget about me and let’s just think of all the pressure this is having on my Sara who is trying to juggle 4 children, a 1, 8, 15, and a 20 year old; this is hard enough with 2 parents involved at the best of times. So to be doing this whilst trying to maintain the bills, the home, run a business, the everyday stuff and maintain a relationship beyond the walls and covid19 to consider - this is the definition of imponderable.
This is where I can only take my hat of to you and say sorry for not being there Sara and thank you for all you do.
So with all that going on, with that little tiny glimmer of hope in the distance that our lives could gain some normality all I can do is sit and wait for a person whose never met me to make a decision go in our favour.
What joy it should or could be is destroyed with the big dark cloud of that big unknown yet again dictating every way my life and those around me will go.
The pressure this bring to all IPPs and our family members is immense. And when the parole decision gets even closer, the more subdued I personally will get and by shutting myself off from all around me is the only option I feel I will have to cope and help keep away from the pressure of prison life.
This is so hard to explain to someone who may not be living this nightmare but the title I picked will hopefully make it a bit clearer. The Imponderable Parole Pressure.... a word I came across the other day ‘imponderable’ and when I looked it up it meant ‘something that cannot be guessed or calculated because it is completely unknown’. And this yet again is unknown to me and to so many like me. I’ve never had a paper Parole board hearing so I do not know what to expect or what the outcome will be. I can only try to remain positive and that pray they will show a little bit of compassion when reviewing my case and understand the impact this is having on my partner and my children. And take into consideration that a 6 week sentence is now getting much closer to a 4 year sentence.
My Parole board is September and I will keep you all updated with the outcome and hope that one day you will soon be able to read some of mine and my families future success stories instead of my life behind these grim, cold, high mental and physical walls.
I’ve heard IPP described in so many ways, imponderable though is as good a word as any.