Stick a fork in me I’m done.
How much longer has this got to take, I’m ready now, please just let me come home.
I am guilty, I’ve been punished and I’m so done with all this shit.
If the weather wasn’t hot enough, it’s twice as hot in this H.M.P cooking pot. Tensions are running high, the people are tearing chunks off anyone they can and it’s just a matter of time before this stew boils over the side.
I’m meant to be excited that my paper hearing is due next month but I just can’t seem to get hopeful with the current climate in the world beyond these walls and the very low percentage rate that do get out on a paper decision.
Although I did have a good meeting with the probation team the other day, the feedback they gave me sounds optimistic but I still just can’t see it.
They did ask “What is different this time?” Anyone in my position will have heard that question so many times and so many times I’ve thought it was different but this time my answer was direct.
“I am a father, a broken man and I’ve never swallowed as much water as I have done on this sentence and if I haven’t learnt from this major mistake, this trail of destruction, all the pain I’ve caused to my family, to myself and all those around me, then you might as well leave me here to drown, there is no hope for me”
Every single morning before work I sit and have my breakfast in my pad and count my blessings. Every single morning I look at the picture of my beautiful baby girl who has not experienced her father other than in a prison, it kills me to say it but she’s had no experience of a dad so far, its all Sara and her siblings, they do amazingly and I am lucky, grateful, but she has no concept of what a dad can bring to her life. I look at her picture every morning and I always repeat, drill even, this into my head “no matter how much this pressure cooker starts to heat up today that I have to remember her and my goal to get home to her and the rest of the family”.
I feel by doing this every morning it reminds me of what I’ve got, what I could have and what I need to do to remain safe and focused so I don’t get dragged further into this pressure cooker.
I just hope that when the parole board make their decision that they will show compassion, they will see how hard I have worked, how patient I have been, how much I regret all that I have done wrong and that they make the right decision to return me home to my beautiful loving family.
But until that day comes all I can do is just keep counting my blessings and keep calm in this HMP pressure cooker and make sure that I do not get burned or lose my way.
Thank you and also a massive thank you to my loving partner who has supported me through these really difficult times. Thank you Sara xxx