Well I started this morning with a dream that my family and I were doing a spot of decorating at home whilst admiring my sons new minicar (a Ford robin, or so it was in the dream which I've still no idea if that really exists) when all of a sudden we could hear noise outside in the garden. So I went to investigate and as I open the door my eyes opened only to realise I was still in prison and the noise I could hear wasn't the dream but was actually outside my pad , it was the lads arguing over who’s got the biggest tricep, bicep, or some disagreement over half chest reps. And this dream had yet again become our families nightmare.
How do you explain the feelings and emotions going through my head whilst in lockdown, lockdown with an IPP sentence and only the unknown to contend with?
To hear other inmates say how excited they are to have only days, weeks or a couple of months left before they can either go to their families, go and see their children or as sad and frustrating as it is to hear, get out to nothing or go sort whatever illegal activity they have planned next.
This is just the sad reality of the system, let’s compare it to a pack of revels and you are rooting through the bag hoping not to pick the coffee one out as it will only leave that nasty taste upon your tongue; this I guess is how the parole board must feel when deciding if they can release an IPP especially in such uncertain times and circumstances.
I do sympathise with the parole board people and contemplate who would ever want that job, to be able to play monopoly with someone else’s life is a a huge responsibility and to ensure that you are not making an error in releasing must be stressful but I guess that could be said for any job role in custody, they quite literally have our lives in their hands as soon as you land.
How could the people go home after a day on the board knowing if you had granted freedom beyond these walls,I say freedom in loose terms due to the license but that’s another topic for another time, or not released someone back to their family the impact that could possibly have; how it will impact those families who have been waiting and praying to see their partner, brother, father, son, (I apologise for giving this from a man’s perspective), how can you truly be sure you've done the right thing? It is, whichever way you look at it a massive responsibility.
My time in custody now is filled with stress, frustration, sadness, guilt, disappointment, failure and most of all the unknown; not knowing when I will see my family, when I’ll be able to hold my children for the first time in god knows how long, will I be able to complete ROTLs in time for my parole date, will they release me or say to do further time as ROTLs were not complete, am I going to be able to spend Christmas with my children for the first time in years, am I going to go to a hostel or am I going to go straight home, is there even anybody who cares anymore or are we just lost souls walking round the walls? There is always a lot of unknown with IPP but now I just don’t know anything, I am literally in limbo.
I stay in my 6 x 9 pad day after day after day, I don’t have the choice of going out when I would like even though I am one of the lucky ones that get an opportunity to do so but on the times given.... which in my eyes is good to know something, its some certainty, something that is not unknown. I don’t have the choice of just stepping out into the garden, I don’t have the choice of just playing a simple game with my children.
I don’t know when this will end like the the rest of the world don’t know when the changes brought about by covid-19 will end. It started in March here (the UK) and we are now in June, 12 weeks give or take of the unknown, it’s very difficult for you all and I understand this and I can sympathise with you all these are trying times for us all and I know this because I have been doing the UNKNOWN for the past 13 years, I say to you all as I do my family..... stay strong, have hope, DON’T GIVE UP.
This is just what a day in here is like for me, this is how IPP punishes you, breaking your will with the time you serve and testing your mental ability to cope and remain positive with the torture of the unknown, this is the reality of the sentence, my IPP sentence.
Now think about how our families, our children who are living with the unknown of the IPP sentence and to how they are indeed, through association with us, also living a real life ongoing nightmare. This may be my sentence however in reality it is heartbreakingly theirs too.