I’m a Dad, a father, I have a new born baby girl, I have responsibilities.
This only leaves me with more questions than answers like any other dad.
Can I do this???
What if I fail???
But I have the extra questions the additional doubts.
What if I get recalled again???
Why am I so scared???
Does our baby girl even stand a chance with me in her life???
Is she best of without me in her life???
Should I just leave my partner and hope she finds someone better than me to raise our new child???
And obviously the main question ....Can I take responsibility for my new BIG responsibility in my life and not let my daughter down??????
These being just a few of many uncertainties I have when it comes to our child as I sit alone in my pad.
I am the guy who can’t even hold a job down.
I am the guy who can’t even put a pint down.
The closest thing I can get to down is when the judge sends me down.... and I guess I still didn’t even get that right, I ended up with an IPP.
I don’t want my daughter visiting me in jail for the rest of my life.I can’t do this, I really can’t, I can’t put my family through this anymore, I’ve got to finish it, I’ve got to let them move on.
My partner is bringing the baby up for the first time at the weekend, so I can tell her then.She needs to make the best of her life, the best for our new babies’ life and the best for our children’s life.
How can I do that from here?
How can I do that with this IPP constantly embedded in my life?
VISIT DAY....
I’m so nervous about this visit, I’m also excited, I’m also apprehensive, I’m just so fucking lost right now!!!!
Am I doing the right thing?
I love my partner, I love my family and I just want them to have better than this life, I’m stopping that happening.
My name gets called and onto the visit floor I walk.
I’m looking all around, I can’t see you Sara. Where are you Sara?
Then she starts to stand up with our baby daughter in her arms.
I walk over slowly, nervously and Sara stands and passes me our baby daughter Lainie. I am shaking, I am trembling, but most of all for that one special moment I am free from all my surroundings, all my fears and all my stupid thoughts have gone.
I know what I need to do now.
I need to step up and be a real man and become a real father to our beautiful baby girl, who only weighs as heavy as 2 bags of sugar and in my opinion is much sweeter than 2 bags of sugar combined. “She is so beautiful Sara, well done, I am so proud of you, I love you so much” I tell her through my tear glazed eyes.
I am overwhelmed and people on a visit floor can see it’s my first time holding our little daughter. I look awkward and if truth be told I feel a little awkward. But deep down I’m sat at the visit table holding our daughter for the first time and what a double-edged sword it is.
Obviously, I am grateful for holding my daughter but also in the back of my mind, I know I should be holding her at home.
“YOU’VE GOT TO LIVE AND LEARN ROBERT” is going through my head “YOU’VE GOT TO LIVE AND LEARN.”
After my visit and once again only left with my own thoughts in my pad. The visit blues are starting to kick in hard, harder than ever before. The tears begin to fall and I can only curl up into the foetal position and weep for what seems to be an eternity.
The next day, drained and with all the mixed emotions running through my body and mind I know what I have to do and what I can do. I have to stay focused on the end goal and keep working hard, I can work hard, I have worked hard, but I’ll even work even harder towards my rehabilitation, my release and me getting back home to our beautiful daughter and my loving supportive family. Because deep down that’s what they deserve, that’s what they need, and that was my responsibility to do so. So, this is what I did.
I WORKED EVEN HARDER.
I had gained so many new qualifications whilst in custody, a number of diploma’s (level 3’s) in sport courses which was the equivalent to a master’s practitioner or so I am led to believe; which is not too bad for someone who failed epically in school and couldn’t really read properly until the age of 27. Then I was given an opportunity with the coaching department at Liverpool Football Club through a project set up by David Dein, former vice chairman of Arsenal and the FA. The project was called the Twinning project, it was linking up football clubs and prisons staff to deliver coaching, stewarding and other qualifications to prepare us for release and hopefully reduce reoffending rates. I got a lot from that project and the course leaders had recognised that not only had I worked really hard but my attitude was positive, mature, I could be trusted and that they offered me a volunteer position at the club, if and when released.
I felt so flattered and privileged about that I just had to ring Sara and the kids straight away to tell them of this great opportunity that had come along; they were all so happy for me and could see that I was making consistent changes in my life for a better future for us all.
With my parole board just down the road and Christmas just around the corner yet again my thoughts and excitement were leaning towards the possibility that I could be home for Christmas with my family, and for our new born babies first Christmas.
I had worked so hard and achieved so much in so little time. I had battled through a lot of my troubles and gained so many new skills to prepare me ready for the outside world. I knew I had things left to deal with and I knew I had to keep focused on what I had already achieved to keep this as a constant in my life and allow to be fully equipped and mentally strong enough to face the rest of my fears and demons, but for now, I was ready, and those other challenges would begin to be dealt with very shortly.
I have done above and beyond of what was asked of me for the parole board and for my own personal reasons. My loving family had stuck by me through these difficult times and I recognised that they had really had a difficult time with what had happened, if I’m honest they’d had it harder than me.; but they were stronger for it and were still here to tell the story. I have said it to them but again well done, I love you and thank you for everything.
I had completed so much and changed so much in my life, things that I just thought were not possible. I had been open and honest and I had opened Pandora’s box to come face-to-face with what needed to be dealt with at that particular time. I had all the support inside and now the support ready for the outside world. Everyone was supporting my release, so if truth be told I was confident for my parole board, well why wouldn’t I be? I wasn’t overly confident but, in my head, and in my heart, I was ready, I was coming home.
I mean what could possibly go wrong????
I sat my board in September 2019, within days of that board I received notification of their decision.
I had been refused release.