The sound of the sirens screaming, the sound of the doors banging, the sound the gates clanking .... And let’s not forget that smell, that distinctive smell when you enter prison or in my case, re-enter prison.
That smell of disappointment, misery and most of all, the lack of hope. Welcome back to HMP.
I’m recalled again and yet again I’ve failed all people around me and brought only more tears and upset to an already very difficult time of year with Christmas around the corner, lack of money in the bank and a secret pregnancy until it hits the 12-week mark, well that was the idea but now being back in custody, who’s knows of the plan. On my behalf, the ultimate fail and lack of responsibility.....Sad times.
Ushered through reception quick time (6 hours later) I managed to make a 2-minute call to my partner who is obviously not happy with me, so quite lucky really that the reception phone will switch off in two minutes and I get to avoid the 2-and-a-half-hour conversation of...... you absolute plonka.... to put it mildly.... a lot of f’ing and jef’ing would take place, and rightly so as I had messed up majorly.
I get to the pad only to be sharing a pad with someone who has got a 2-week sentence and is losing the plot in his own little way.... this is going to be fun, NOT.
With what fuzzy picture we just manage to scrape on the TV it is a programme about alcohol due to the time being so close to Christmas and obviously this brings back the recall situation and failing to stay sober, yet again.... FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
I can feel my eyes going but I have to keep this away from my pad mate as I don’t want to look weak on the first night, or weak in general. I don’t know the kid so I’m not going to start sharing my emotions with him right here, or right now or at all really. So, I choked it up and held it back and did the best thing I can do whilst I’m in here and I do so very easily as it helps to get me through this prison life and that is to switch off, shutdown and escape mentally by not acknowledging any of it.
But deep down I know I cannot keep doing the same thing and ignoring the elephant in the room. This was one of the things I truly knew I needed to get sorted on this sentence and that was to get some real help with my addiction to alcohol. So the minute I could get out of my cell I went to seek help and advice and I was taken down a path I’d never ever in my life thought I would go and that was to an AA session.
I can truly say I have done some courses in my time and some difficult courses but this was truly emotional and difficult but I knew it needed to be done if I was to ever return home........ and stay home.
The first few sessions I didn’t say nothing and only stared at the floor as I felt the tears roll down my face and hit the ground, thinking how has my life ended up here?????
Once I began to settle in with the weeks that followed, I began to listen to some of the stories and I felt like the stories they were saying were my stories and tears continued, sad moments.
I think I had been going to AA now for around eight weeks or so and on this particular night I was determined to speak out, I wanted to speak out for I felt like I needed to. I spoke about the destruction and upset I had caused to my family with alcohol, about my boy and the colour draining from him as he was told of me having to return to ‘work’ again, so to speak!!!
I spoke about the mess that alcohol played in my life as a child and I did not want this to be a part of my families life, I spoke about receiving all the trouble and trauma that comes with alcoholism and all the hurt It causes when alcohol is abused and misused and the carnage it can sadly cause.
The tears were streaming down my face at this point and I was stuttering and whimpering with every word I tried to speak out. Like alcoholism in my life, I was a complete mess and I wanted the ground to eat me up and never for me to return to this place/situation. But I couldn’t stop, I just wanted to get it all out, I needed to get it all out but I think I had said just enough for me to stop and try and recompose myself from what had just occurred.
I couldn’t believe it, I had done it, I had spoken out for the first time, I had actually admitted that I had a problem with alcohol. And better than that was.... I was going to defeat this problem and conquer it and become a better person from doing this. I was taking a steps forward instead of a step backwards, I was taking responsibility, I was taking ownership and it felt good, difficult, but good.
I am a believer that some things happen for a reason and when the victim awareness course came along, I knew it was time to face that also.
Over my time before the parole board I had done more work in 5 months than some would do in 5 years.... I mean I had worked hard, too much to put in this today to say the least.
Just as things were moving forward and the highs were arriving, along comes the lows and the shit was about to hit the fan.
First was how I couldn’t make it to the big school performance with the children doing so well in it, and how I have left my partner to take the uncomfortableness that comes with going alone to these events.
Then that followed with my mum dying. I was able to go to her funeral, the shame I felt turning up with handcuffs on my wrists and an officer attached to them to say my final good byes to her was hideous ; I was rammed with utter guilt, shame and embarrassment,( another deep regret I will have to live with to go with my many many others). Disappointing.
Then as if you couldn’t write it the death of my partner’s mother only a month after the funeral of my mother. Now we can only begin to think we are cursed or jinxed.
I cannot be by her side like a proper partner, someone who is there for her, to support her and for her to have a shoulder to cry on. Yet again, sad times with another epic fail, again disappointing.
Just as you think you can come up for air to breathe with these emotionally drowning situations...... now the pregnancy takes its place and an easy pregnancy it is not. For her birth my partner was rushed through for a C section and only to gain a quick moment on the phone, to gather any little information or clarity I can of what is going on???? I finally received information we have a little baby girl safe and well with a couple complications that took place to be discussed at a later date. Now I wait silently in my pad to hear if my partner will come back around as I only have myself to talk to and guide me through what is going on. And in my mind, all crazy thoughts are going on of what could happen, what may have happened and will she be ok????
I ring back and finally I hear my baby for the first time over the phone and my partner is well and I cry as I think you fucking idiot you should be there.... I should be there with them all, loving them, caring for them and supporting them through this difficult time: disappointing Rob. Very disappointed.
So when my door was finally open an hour later, I rushed out to tell my friends, that we had had a baby girl and we celebrated by going on the yard, cracking open a bottle of Coke which in the end turned out to be a flat bottle of Coke, well least the thought was there, thank you. And that’s how I celebrated the birth of my daughter.
It is a sad time, a sad position to be in life. But I just knew I had to realise what I had missed out on, again what upset I had brought to my family but most of all....... I just had to be grateful!!!!!!!
My partner came through ok in the end, our baby girl is healthy now and crawling around like little miss speedy pants.
And above all this I haven’t given up on losing our dream, the dream of getting rid of this terrible IPP sentence, the dream of coming home, the dream of returning to my beautiful family but most of all the dream of becoming a successful loving father to all my children who doesn’t return to this hell hole.
These are my dreams, these are our dreams and I still believe they can be achieved with a little help, support, belief, motivation and gratitude.